To tell you the truth, i don't feel like recounting the past few weeks. I never found a job and have spent the summer doing odd jobs. I regret not getting recertified to life guard... I can't show my self in a bathing suit, the thought of it makes be break out into a sweat. (pathetic i know, but thats how it is)

I find myself looking forward to doing little things. I like taking showers, and lying under the fan afterward. Doing laundry and watering the garden. I make meals for amanda so she won't be hungry when she gets home. I'm a happy little wife... nah, i wish i was though.

I'm a little bit worried about rooming with amanda. But really it just a little bit. We are getting better and better at giving each other space. She is in the tv room now, waiting up for me to finish typing this. I think i wake her when i come to bed late.

Tomorrow amanda goes to her first day at MOA. I'll spend the day at home struggling with my feeling about her father. (as many of you LJ stalkers might know he is a complicated man.) He seems to have been telling people that Amanda is unhappy in our relationship, I know its a lie, amanda is upset too. He says that I force her to do what ever i want. Anybody who knows amanda knows that it is not possible to force her to do ANYTHING. She is stubborn are a cuddley mule. If only i could find a motive for his slander. I have no intention of confronting him.

He is a pitful little man.

Harry Potter tomorrow night, I had hoped to see it with fran and andee, but those plans fell through long ago. Its too bad, i was really looking forward to them.

I am ready to go back to mills at a moments notice.

also, I am baffled by Laurens disturbing and possibly erotic tweets.

Amanda is calling for me, so i'll end this by promising you all that i will be on the computer more than once every 2 weeks. I will read my friends page, check my facebook and, if i don't forget checkout the queeriot. I should be a better long distance friend, i had one once, but thats another story.

I just went to the super market and saw a dozen midwestern dykes like my self. My look is not so signature here.
Any way, i miss california. Being home sucks, my family is acting like i never left. I hate how i can see them so differently now.

My father is not helpless anymore. He is a whining blaming coward.
My mother is... really quite the same.

I hope some day my relationship with my father will be good. He need to learn that just because he says/thinks somthihng does not mean its the truth. I'm tired of having to defend my self. From now on there is nothing to defend. I am fucking innocent until proven guilty. ANd when he is wrong, i'm gonna tell him. If get angry and throws a bitch fit too bad. If i have to be a grown up, so does he.

More bad news?

I left a whole bunch of sexy friends in California. On the flip side, amanda has been in an amazing mood all day!
we are getting alot of solor heat, but the wind and air are freezing around these parts, i'm going to have to suffer the cold for another 2 weeks, and when that is over i won't even need warmer clothes.

Jason is being hella sweet and making dinner. I'm not a fan of his cooking, but I am a fan of how had he works, and how well he treat me and manda. He has alot of stuff to work through with his life, he fucks up some times (but we all do) , he is nice, i think he is taking us to a movie tonight, then i sleep in a BIG BED with amanda!

Other than missing haut friends in cali, summer shaping up well.

Yellow Tails

Frosty glass, fresh from the freezer
two clinking glasses
a twist and a pop

We watch late night cartoons
loud jazz plays a room away

Voices grow louder
as I save her little arms, reach
and hit the volume up

The powder puff girls save the day
her over sized head weighs heavy on ornamental pillows
I draw her a bath, with Mr.Bubbles
And the voices grow louder

Lining four ducks in a row, she splashes
reading her hop on pop
and green eggs and ham
I help dry her little body
and change in to footy pajamas.

Stroking hair, there is thumping and then
a door slams
and Mom is crying
I can't tell her why
only that
Mom had too many yellow tails

A pantoum for sweet hearts

When I am old
I wonder if I will return to this place
If I can climb trees
Think of youth and where its gone

I wonder if I will return to this place
chase memories like dreams
think of youth and where its gone
laugh, or maybe cry

chase memories like dreams
hearing whispers of young love
laugh, or maybe cry
and think of you

hearing whispers of young love
If I can climb trees
and think of you
When I am old

Next year is going to be great. I am looking forward to so much.

Next year won't happen if i don't get the things I need to get done, done.

There are no shortcuts, There just aren't any, The heat can't get to me, lazy nights can't get to me.
I love this life and mills too much to lose it.

I seem to always learn things the hard way, still i have yet to fully actualize many of those lessons.

The next weeks are going to be my test. Am I responsible enough to make it? I know i am, but i still doubt it.
Mom and Dad never really belived in me. I failed too many times and then they gave up and started looking towards my sister as the most successful.

I believe that happiness is life. I have never been more happy than I have at mills.
My life is here.
My love is here.
I have a family here
This too is home.

Now i am fighting for my home.

June 5th, 2005

Larissa called me last night. I was in the shower so dad picked up. I came down stairs and he said i got call but the person on the other line dident tell him her name. I had a feeling it was Larissa. So I called her.

You know she never used to call me...ever.

So I asked her "are you gong to Rec. tonight?" she was like "yes, but we need to talk" the first thing outta my mouth was, "Shit..."

It all sounded so familiar, you know? I've heard it enough times to know what it means.

We just fell short of four months, but it made sense, what she was saying. Shes going to Canada for two months and she can't last that long, It was either end it or cheat....

The whole conversation ended with the idea that we would get back together after the summer.

See i don't know about that. If i can't trust her for two months on her own, Why should i be able to trust her any other time? I remember last time she went to Canada...

Meanwhile I've met somebody else... shes nice, i can trust her... she has kinda been there for me over the last few weeks. I'm not leaping into anything, friends first... then we'll see. I'm not gonna go through the summer waiting for my girlfriend to come home.

Larissa still likes me, her feelings for me haven't gone a away, and mine are still there for her... but this might just be the end...

In the mean time i'll hang out with Amanda.... I'll call Larissa on her birthday before she leaves and tell her to have a good time... If this doesn't turn out the way she wants, its her fault. Now i know how little i mean to her, if she can't wait for me then i'm not waiting for her either.

I'm gonna miss her.

---end transmission---

Believe it or not that is the first time i mention Amanda in my LJ. I bet you are wondering "what ever happen to Larissa?" I ran in to her a year later, the summer of my junior year, she had cut her hair off at her shoulders and it was her natural color. Brown. She looked out of place, sitting on the swing in her goth clothing. I grabbed Amandas hand as I walked up to her. I waited for amanda to go inside and then gave Larissa the biggest hug.

I really did miss, her. And in the end, i was wrong... she did come back to me, she did keep her word. It was far to late to change anything then, i didn't want to. i was more than just "crazy about" amanda. I loved her. It was somthing i had never felt for larissa.

I walked inside then, I left her crying, and i didn't care.

In retrospect, i realize, i broke her heart.

So, Larissa, i was wrong, I know that you were going through some hard times then, and that I was to only constant in your life. I'm sorry we didn't talk more and that you never got the chance to know me, like i got to know you. We were so alike.
I'm sorry you never got the chance to relize that the shoulder you cried on had a heart.
I'm sorry that I didn't give you a chance to prove yourself after rehab.
I'm sorry that i broke your heart.
But I am happy now. Amanda makes me happy in ways that you never could, she listens to me and makes me feel important, she cares about my dreams and wants to help me reach my goals.
She is sleeping, and breathing softly right next to me now.
We are happy and in California and starting our lives together.

I hope you are happy too.

The florist asked who it was for
I lied, my mother
its her birthday.

Sheltering it from the cold,
speaking to it softly
"please don't wilt before i get there."

That was 3 years ago.

I watched it crack, The dried rose hanging from your mirror.
It fell on the floor behind you dresser.
The petals all crunched an shattered.

You swept your floor and now your flower is in the hall
the living room
the bathroom
the kitchen

I hope you never sweep the floors again
because my love has filled the house.

She paints them pretty colors

She puts up walls and paints them pretty colors
brick by brick laid and laid
clayed and clayed
made, made

paper dolls
changing clothes, changing clothes
Changing cloths she loathes, she loathes

She paints them pretty colors.
She taints them pretty color.

Hey you creeps, comment if your are gonna read!

Liebe und Nacht sind liegt

The minds an infidel
we plunge muck from drains
things that belong in sewers
and visit california where
it is only women
and there is only gold.

The stars are bright
and hiding, under smog and city lights
smoking, crackling cigarettes whisper,
"i know there are more of you"

And there are more. It
would be a lie to say i think of you
and only you.

Skin craveing unfamiliar touch.
sometimes
when running my hands over familar dray patches.
Touching you,
I wonder about the stars.
And the few we see that shine so brightly.
a crackling wisper
"there are more of you"

The minds an infidel
drunken secrets about time spent alone
and then theres trust
the biggest lie.

because if you live where there is only gold
you only ever see the few who shine.
And where am I?

Those bumps and rough patches
memorized and read
by another?

no.

We have no stars, no trust, just gold
and crackling wispers
the mind is an infidel.

I don't know why I am so jealous when i see pictures of you and your family. I just wish maybe that my mom as supportive and warm and present as yours. For all I have, I just wish there was a second that I diden't feel like i was disappointing her.

I left home and i still can't escape it.

i have spent my whole life trying to figure out what it is she wants.
And never figured out what i want.

I need someone to tell me that i'm doing fine. And to say it with out a sigh.
I wish Amanda was awake now. I could really use a hug.

In other news, I made an awesome mix cd.

Due to concerns about this post, I am rewriting it during a time that i am not sick and in a bad mood. Here it is in normal words.

Dear friends, open your doors so that we can hang out. I know that you are doing something important ie. Having sex, or dealing with life/homework. This is not to say that i think you are self important or a whore. It means that i am very bored and wish ya'll would come out of your rooms more often.

Love always, Maggie

Sorry for the mix up :)

Also, anyone up for dominoes? I just got some new ones and i am itching for competition.

Also, also, Anybody want to go on a ghost hunt this spring break?

googled awkward smile
may be a coworkers wedding
or a cheesy company gala
eyes glazed with too much open bar


"please don't leave me alone"
chapped face
numb ears
her hands over her head
shielding the wind
"please don't leave me alone"
the last of her strength
a plea.

fresh foot prints in the snow
and nobody in sight

this is what i imagined.

Spotty hands held me up and told me stories of places far away
of penguins and camels, days at sea.
Of women on mats selling woven wares
of war of peace.
Spotty hands held mine as we walked through
fields, and snow drifts and crowded streets.

Tinkling eyes, the color of mine, showed me that i belong.
Gave me culture when i was too young to cherish it.

When the news came I imagined my mummum in a casket.
Pale and absent, her face spots covered in makes up.

And now i know she will die, her walking legs first.
She'll then grow weak, I'll hold her spotted hand again
and i will show her the world i have seen.

I hate Butch and Femme. Both of the terms bother me, I hate that we used terms that a based in the gender binary. While I understand that to be femme is to Identify and fully with your female gender. I cannot assign anything to butch. It would be easy to say that to be butch is to masquerade as a man. It is easy to define butch as Freudian penis envy... to say that to be butch is to emulate males to gain power or respect. Its easy, it makes sense.

In my experience it is not true. The most vulnerable i have ever felt was the day i first put on a full set of mens clothes. While alone in my baggy pants and athletic shirt i felt more myself than i ever had before. But the second i stepped out in to public i got a label slapped to my face. "dyke". Never mind if the label was true, it was the a difference in treatment i saw.

I think the best work i can used for it is on display. i was on display, many people diden't even try not to stare. Little kids called me "he" even if i am obviously female. I never meant to pass, be seen as male of have to respect of males. I still mean to be my self. This is how i look in my dreams.

I could go on with this post forever, but i won't I don't really want to argue my point because i think everyones experience it differently. If there as a label i had to go by in would be Tomboi.

Valentines day is a day to spend with loved ones. I had a nice time with Andee and Veronica.

Done.

done. done. done.

I'm done.

Its too much work to care, or to worry.

I don't like it.

But i'm just going to have to get over it.

Shes moving.

I don't like it.

I'm tired of fighting.

I'm done.

done.

I could let the world in on my reaction to her post but i am too tired of it.

tired. of. it.

I tried. I give up. i'm done.
really that not true, i'm telling myself that so i won't hurt over it anymore.
its not working.
I'll just have to try harder than.

An open casket so that my family and friends can morn if they need to
then
burn me and scatter the ashes in places that i enjoyed being, Camp Olson, home, Mills, ect. And one place i never got the chance to go.
Keep a small amount at home with family. The romantic in me want a peice of me there... make it the right toe, the one i alway stub on the wall near the living room.

I would tell my family to give all the things that they did not want to keep to those in need.

I think thats it. oh, you know, maybe bury a bit of me in a cemetary make it the middle fingers on both hand. i hate those places but tradition calls for it!

Veronica found a grey  hair on me today. Over all amanda picked seven of them off my head.
now, i know that my mother started going grey at 20, but i always figured that was because she pushed her self too hard. Grey hair can after all come from stressed.

I'm not stressed (except about my grey hairs) and i'm not going to fall into some kind of cycle where i am constantly questioning my stress levles (for that would be stressful, and result in only more grey hairs) its the kind of thing that makes people disfuntional.

There is this (for lack of a better term) addage "question every thing" meaning question your actions, the actions of people in charge, your world, its problems. But when it comes to grey hairs and other unavoidable things questions won't help. Knowing won't help and getting angry won't help either.

No matter how many times i write my state senater there will be nothing she can do to solve the grey hair problem. I can't balme my mother, father, stress or city water. It just happened.

One thing that draws me to people is their easy-goingness and abilty to take things in stride. I don't have that. I wish i did but I don't, not yet, maybe not ever.

I'm going to let my hair go grey. I'm not going to worry. I'm tired of worrying and always having things to keep track of...

So what ever is left of my grey hairs, i am keeping. I'm not gonna pull them out one by one. I'm not going to worry about it. Thats the diffrence between me and my mom.

In a landfill, someplace in this world there is proof of her weakness, cartons and tubes of bleach and dye that cover up that peice of her.
Maybe its the nakedness that i fear the most about it. maybe it is that I wil appear weak. My mother is strong. her dependency on hair dye is what makes her weak. It is the one thing  she is unsure of.

The one thing i AM sure of is that i am going grey. I have too many other things to deal with.